Day 75: Totally Hilarious and Happy Thanksgiving

The below story is possibly what happened just before I started my last Podcast episode of Business Coaching Secrets… you’ll need to listen in to find out :o) 

The below reminds me of Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston in “When Along Came Polly.” They went on a date and had Hot Spicy food… didn’t end well.

He left with the toilet brush wrapped in a plastic bag.

Anyhoo….

This is BLOODY HILARIOUS.

My present to you on Thanksgiving.

And if a funny swear word in the middle of a story bothers you… please move along with your day and stop reading now. 

A friend sent this to me and I adjusted it for you, Coach. 

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What happens when a young business coach drinks 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate?

I’m glad you asked…

12:05 pm: Your coaching call is done and it’s time. 

You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a lightweight in front of your older brother’s friends. 

It’s supposed to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day, needs some coaching, cause he’s clearly never actually tasted anything grape in his life. 

You’re already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. 

The cupcake is going to be liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment with sprinkles on top.

Hold on to that.

You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life. 

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted sh*t in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Extra Strength Drano. 

You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. 

You’re wrong. 

You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next two days. 

12:57 pm: That little “safe for humans” science experiment you got cooking after your coaching call is about to reach boiling point.

Your stomach is angry now.

It hates you…you can feel it. 

You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… 

NEVER RUN! 

You pray to God there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to pre-emptively undo your pants to save valuable time.

Almost there.

3…2…1… 

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, Mother of God…is this real life and actually happening? 

Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The sh*t / water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45-degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. 

Is that blood?

False alarm. 

That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5.

The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. 

You try to clench what’s left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. 

The whole house just heard your liquid sh*t fart as it gurgled out of your bum. 

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur.

You have sh*t out everything you’ve ever eaten since the day you were born.

Including everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800’s, and your bumhole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the hot tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. 

You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. 

You’ve got the poop sweats.

And you didn’t even know that was a thing. 

You inadvertently start signing Halleluiah like you’re auditioning for American Idol and Simon Cowell. 

8:37 pm: Your family will try but never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen from you in the last 8 hours. Counselling won’t help them. 

Back to you. 

You’re broken. 

Your ringhole’s broken.

Your spirit’s broken. 

Life as you know it will never be the same. 

But…tomorrow’s a new day. 

You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a sh*t stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with your wallet and the last shred of dignity you have left…

…And buy yourself a new toilet brush.

You’ve earned it, Coach.

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I’m told my Podcast is entertaining and educational….  Check out and leave a comment for ‘Business Coaching Secrets’, HERE

Thanks for subscribing and reading my diatribe.  

Happy Thanksgiving,

Karl Bryan aka Grateful Karl

PS. You’re bloody amazing JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. 

Be grateful for you. 

I’m grateful for you. 

Enjoy your family and the fun times.